Thursday, October 27, 2005
27/Oct/2005
Hi guys... for this post, im gonna talk bout something that yall did not know. It is something that is kept in me for too long and i muz take it off my chest.
It is 12 midnight now, my parents are sleeping and my bro is still awake. You see, some people are good at expressing their emotions and some just like to keep it inside. There are some people that can easily pour out their problems easily and some just like to hide their problems to themselves. Your impression on me may change from reading this blog or may not.
What you see me now, it is just a facade. On the outside, i am just a cheerful, happy-go-lucky type of person. But on the inside, i am just a small, misunderstood, lonely boy hiding in one corner crying. The reason why i dont want people to see the inside of me because, i dont want to ruin other people day because i am sad. So thats why i am always smiling and happy when i am with my friends.
Also another reason i am always happy with my friends because they are the ones that can truely put a smile or a laugh on my face(especially seconday school friends). They are a great bunch of people to hang out with and honestly speaking, i feel that i am more closer to my sec sch and poly friends than to my church friends. Because they speak the language that i speak. They enjoy the things that i enjoy. I am not saying that my church friends are bad. No they're not, they are wonderful, God-Loving people. But they always give me a vibe to back off from them(if i am wrong, i apologise but this is how i feel). So that's why i did not interact with my church friends for i period of time until at one faithful church camp. The youths in church are a great bunch of people, no doubt bout that. But none of them that i can express my problems or my feelings to(again if i am wrong, i apologise). For example, today. I just came back from a sec sch gathering and i must say i have really enjoyed myself. We laughed and always do crazy stuff.
My sec sch friends always treat their friends as a brother, an abang as they say. Thats the kind of friendship that i did not feel with my church friends(if this is offending, i apologise).
Back at home, it is bout the same. No one i can really pour out my feelings at. I am not saying my family is disfunctional. I am blessed to have the family i have, i truely am. A God-Loving family, the way i wanted. But in the family of 4, no one understands me. You see, i dont understand my parents and they dont understand me. A generation gap thingy. I always feel that they loved my brother more than i do. My bro gets a room by himself, i still sleep with my mom. He can came back home at 12 midnight, i must be home by 10. When i always ask why the are like that, they will say either my bro is older or there is no reason at all. See, they would not understand me, and i dont understand them. Whenever i express my feeling out to my mom, she will say i am talking rudely to her. For example, when i came back home at 10.30. My mom was pissed because she ask me to come at 10. The reason why i am 30 mins late because i waited 45 mins for the bus to come and it did not arrive. When i told her that, she ask me to shut up and she told i am always in the wrong. You may say i am petty, but wouldn't you feel this way when you are misunderstood by your own mother.
Then there's my brother. Brothers or sisters should be close, but thats not the case with me. Like i always, me and him are like the sun and the moon. We are of different worlds. I have never been very close with my brother. We will talk but barely. So i must say, if you have a close sister or brother, treasure it because God has given you something that i never have. My brother is a great person. He has God given talents. I will always do anything for my brother. Even if i have to give up my life. But i dont know will he do the same.
Then there is church. Church is a place where you find rest. I have found rest, but when it is with God. The church enviroment itself dont. From the vibe i am getting, i always feel that people look down upon me. You see, my dad is the head of music ministry, my mom does travel tickets for the members there(especially those going for mission trips), my brother is a well known music composer and piano mystero there and me, NOTHING(if i am really wrong bout this, let me know and if i am right bout this, let me know too)l. For example, last sunday my family and i went to eat lunch at a hawker center near church. One of our church members join us, and for the whole time, he's been prasing my brother thats he is a man, he is mature. Than me, he gave me shit, pure shit, saying i am troublesome. The best part was, my parents just sat there and laughed. You may say i m petty but how wolud you feel when someone say negative things bout you and your parents agree with it. See what i mean. Why, is it because my brother can write songs and musicals? Is it because he has his own car? Is it because he is great at the piano and i am just a bass player. You may call me whatever you want, moreover coming from christians. Sigh!.
Now yall know what i really am. I am just a lonely boy in a lonely world. God please help get through with my life. No one understands me more than you do. Help me Lord. Please!
Thank You For Reading My Sorrows
12:16 AM, & i live by faith and not by sight for you
